Helping Children Through Divorce

Helping Children Through Divorce

Divorce tends to cause an increase in stress level to all of its participants, including the children. In fact, stress is likely to triple during a divorce where children are involved. Just when you are emotionally strung out and least able to cope with adversity, you can count on your children to be needier and bring more adversity. Be careful: If you are overwrought about the divorce, you may be less sensitive to your child’s needs. You may feel anger and resentment toward your husband, making it much more difficult to be there for your child. If the child is very young, remember that he may not understand the concepts of marriage, divorce, and custody; but he will pick up on the tension in the home and know that something is wrong. Depressed parents may depend on their children to keep them going, to boost their self-esteem, and be their companion. This is not at all healthy for your child. Unfortunately, it is an easy trap to fall into as a way to stave off your own sense of abandonment. Who wouldn’t want to spend time with an adoring five-year old who tells an emotionally fragile adult, “Mommy, you are so beautiful”? No matter how traumatized and angry you are, you will have to address your feelings so you can get back to being a high-functioning parent whose child’s needs come first.

During this period, you may resent the demands your child makes on you, and at the same time, feel guilty for feeling this way. If you are impatient with your children, apologize. Tell them you are sorry for being so irritable and that it is not their fault. While you may be overwhelmed by your emotions, they will be stressed and needy, too. Expect your children to suffer. They may be angry that this is happening to them, and particularly, they may be angry with the parent who has left the marriage. They may feel abandoned, responsible, rejected, embarrassed, and different from their friends in intact families. Depending on their age and personality, you may witness all types of behavior. They may whine more, act out, withdraw, regress, reject you, be overly solicitous, or possibly attempt to hurt themselves. Studies show that divorce affects children in many of the same ways it affects the parents. They may show signs of depression, anger, denial, low self-esteem, shock, shame, and/or guilt.

Each child may react differently to divorce. Some become ultra-obedient, hoping their good behavior will reunite their parents. At the other extreme, youngsters may behave monstrously, also hoping it will force their parents back together to deal with them. Other children act as if the divorce does not bother them and have a delayed reaction called “the sleeper effect”. Their pain and unresolved emotions may not surface until adolescence or adulthood. Girls, in particular, sometimes act out sexually or have a difficult time with commitment later in life. Young boys may become more aggressive and also be afraid of getting involved in a serious relationship when they are older. Studies also show that there is a higher percentage of divorce among children who come from divorced families.

It is important to encourage children to talk about their feeling so they don’t become overburdened. As confusing and difficult as it is for an adult to grapple with myriad feelings; imagine the problems it poses for a child who may not have the sophisticated vocabulary or emotional resources to discuss and process the situation.

Just as you may be upset about your failed marriage, your children are also likely to be angry at you or their father for the breakup in the family. You must acknowledge their anger, regardless of your own hurt. Do not tell them they shouldn’t feel angry. Make sure they know that their feelings are valid and that you understand that they have these feelings. Acknowledge them by saying, “I understand why you feel that way, and I’m sorry. Things will never be the same and I understand you are angry about that.”

In an abusive situation, if it was your decision to leave the marriage, young children may not understand and may blame you for the situation. While adolescents cognitively understand the situation, they are dealing with their own issues, so the issue of separation is more complex. They may be angry with you for making them see their father if they don’t want to, even if it is the court’s order. In general, children look to mothers to heal their hurts, to take care of them, and to fix the problem. They may be angry at your inability to change the situation.

To complicate matters more, your needs at this time are very different from your child’s needs. You may regard divorce as a solution, but for the children, it is the source of problems. You might think you are better off without your spouse and therefore distance yourself psychologically so you can move on with your life. It may be healthy for you to separate from your ex-husband, but your child needs to connect with both of you. Therefore, what you do to separate psychologically can hurt your son or daughter. You need to understand this tension.

Typically, it takes children at least one year to accept the situation, but that does not mean that after that, they shed all their feelings of sadness or anger.

There are ways you can help your children cope with this unfortunate situation.

Treat your husband like their father, not as a stranger or worse, as someone you detest. The better you treat him, the easier it will be for them to recover. Keep the lines of communication open. Try to parent consistently and discuss areas of mutual concern and joy.

Make individual time for each child. Realize that children who feel a lack of attention will do anything, including act terribly, to get it. Give them lots of love and attention.

Notify your children’s teachers, after-school coaches, day care providers, and other adults who they see regularly. Tell these people about the situation so they can be empathetic and extra understanding.

Makes changes slowly. Having both parents no longer living in the house is an enormous change, so try to keep other areas of their life constant, such as school, friends, and activities. If you must move, try to encourage your children to enroll in the same activities in the new location.

Stay calm and in control. If you fall apart, the children will feel compelled to worry about you. Having to take care of a parent is a huge psychological burden for a child.

Consider therapy for your child. It can be beneficial, even if he does not seem to be suffering. Remember, you can’t always tell. Don’t panic if the children are having a rough time. This is normal. Some signs of significant trouble, however, include falling grades, aggressive behavior, intense mood swings, cheating, lying, stealing, alcohol or drug abuse, or excessive grieving.

You might want to consult a child therapist to get an idea of how you can help your children and to find out if their behavior is developmentally appropriate or truly problematic. If your husband will consent, a couple of joint sessions with a therapist on what you can expect of and from your children during this period could be invaluable. Your local bookstore or library should also have good resources for helping yourself and your children through this process under parenting, child development, or relationships.

Many family therapists now provide divorce counseling where couples receive therapy to help them split amicably and behave civilly. These can be private practitioners or services through a marriage counseling center. There are also support groups for the children of divorce.

Look into parenting courses. They are increasingly available across the country. In some counties, and in all courts in Connecticut, Arizona, and Utah, a formal class with a mental health professional is mandated before a judge will grant a divorce when a couple has children; spouses do not have to attend together. There are also private centers that offer classes and counseling. Parenting courses teach mothers and fathers about the impact of separation and divorce on children, anger management techniques, how to deal with children at various developmental ages and stages, and the kinds of behavior that benefits and hurts children. The sessions usually include role playing. For instance, a mother might learn how to react if her daughter says she does not want to go visit her father. (Instead of the mother saying, “You know you have to go,” a mother should say, “Tell me why you don’t want to go. It could be that the father has a new girlfriend the daughter does not like. While the mother should still encourage the visit, she would then be able to alert the father with his child’s concerns). The universal question posed in these parenting courses is “Do you hate your spouse more than you love your children?” That question often prompts parents to rethink their behavior.

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